i’m so scared because all that’s ever happened and keeps happening to the people i care about is loss.

i lost the person i loved for three years, i lost my best friend, i lost basically everyone from high school and college. i’ve lost my band, i’ve lost my dreams of going to art school or studying forensic psych or going into body modification. i’ve relapsed more times the last few months than i have in a long time.

when frank played those certain songs in that pit, with my arms against the bassist’s amp and knowing he was behind me, i don’t know how i kept it together long enough to get back to the car before it collapsed.

i’m terrified, even though he promised it won’t happen, that he’ll leave like everyone else did. it’s a pre-conditioned thing in my brain, i’ve been told it and had it happen so almost-routinely for so long that i can’t help but cry and shake and fear he’s going to leave like everyone else. there’s a few things that are the same deal, where i’ve been told for so long i shouldn’t do that or it’s something to apologize for or it’s wrong/gross/whatever, and as much as i know realistically that they’re okay i can’t help but be scared.

i just want to feel warm again and i’m so scared, so hollow, and so worried to sickness.

i just want to never ever let go, but at the same time if he leaves, i know i’ll let go of everything. i can’t lose someone so important. i can’t live with myself if i know i hurt him enough to make him leave, that i did wrong, that i wasn’t enough. i can’t live with myself if that happens, i won’t.